The Hunger Games Abridged
by R.S.Willow
Summary: Everyone needs to laugh at even the most serious of melodramatic teenage books. Five minutes of your time with funny. If I don't make you smile. Your flames can make me cry...yeah I'll be expecting flames.
1. Chapter 1

**I'm sorry, I had to. As much as I liked **_**the Hunger Games**_**, making fun of it is just so tempting. And so, prepare for a ridiculous amount of mocking. Get it? Mocking? No…no one? Fine…**

**Okay, let me give you the run down. I am Robin. I refer to myself in third person because every normal person does that once in a while. Fangirls are my creation and the characters will say the just of whatever it is Katniss's head monologues through. Oh, and I really to like the Hunger Games. Great book, great idea, great plot. So, I mean no disrespect just a little humiliation. I am neither on team Gale or team Peeta. Lastly, as I promised, if you do not smile, you have permission to flame me and I shall not do a thing about it. **

**And I am going off book/movie/book. IDK, it's been a while since I bothered to look at either. **

* * *

KAT: Hi, I'm Katniss Everdeen. Let me give you the rundown on how things work here. I poach with my super hot best friend named Gale.

Fangirls: He's so hawt!

GALE: Let's run away together.

KAT: No. I'm gonna friend zone you now. Don't worry fangirls, he'll be the tall, dark and handsome foil to my boyf-

ROBIN: Two pages in and already giving off spoilers.

KAT: My dad's dead, I hate my mom and I think my sister is the most innocent thing in the world. Take my word for it because that's basically all you're going to get. (Several moments of complaining about being poor later) and then the Hunger Games take two kids from each district. District 12 is the poorest (more moments of self-pity that make readers feel bad for living in a house) and today we choose those poor suckers. First we have to meet the characters no one really cares about until the third book.

ROBIN: Okay, can I just stop this right there. You're telling me that this entire country's form of propaganda is to put 12-18 year olds in a big arena and have them fight to the death? That's the only thing keeping your government in power and collapsing in on itself. Yeah. What could possibly go wrong?

Fangirls: Stop being such a kill joy! This book is awesome!

**Cut to the town square where everyone is dirt poor but somehow can afford shoes and clothes**

EFFIE: Hello everyone! Yes I do think I look good in this outfit.

ROBIN: HOLY SHIT LADY GAGA HAS RESPAWNED INTO THE FUTURE!

Haymitch: VODKA!

EFFIE: I find these games to be rather smashing. Isn't it wonderful to see children beat the brains out of each other?

ROBIN: Yes, yes it is…in a LOONEY BIN! Seriously, not a single person from the Capital is like: oh wait, this is really violent and barbaric. I think we went backwards a few thousand centuries to ancient Rome. And that ended well with Spartacus.-O. M. G. this is teenage Spartacus!

KAT: me and my sister Prim at the reaping. Prim isn't going to be picked. Prim isn't going to be picked. Prim isn't going to be picked. Prim isn't going to be picked. Prim isn't going to be picked.

ROBIN: Let me guess…

EFFIE: Primrose Everdeen

ROBIN: Who?...oh the sister. Bummer.

KAT: No one ever volunteers for their families. In the 74 years of this game, no one ever did; which is why I'll volunteer for my sister!

ROBIN: No one even volunteered during the first year? Nope, everyone's a bunch of selfish bastards. Yeah, screw you district 12!

EFFIE: Oh you adorable attention hog you!

ROBIN: *blinks a few times* Drat, I thought she'd disappear because she's too stupid to be real.

EFFIE: And now for the boys. Peeta Mallark.

ROBIN: You already picked the girls. Yo said boys-wait-ohhhh. What kind of a jerk names their kid Peeta? The bread bakers?-oh. Pita bread… of course.

**In the goodbyes**

KAT: Mom I hate you. Prim you're gonna have to support yourself now since mom's useless. K bye.

GALE: A goodbye kiss?

KAT: No. bye.

MADGE: Here have this gold pin of a bird that represents resistance.

KAT: You chose to give me something made of gold that I could have sold to feed my family for a year now?

**On the train**

Haymitch: You're all gonna die. Where's my beer?

Peeta and Katniss: great advice. -_-

**At the Capital**

ROBIN: EVERYONE'S DRESSED LIKE LADY GAGA! Honestly, I fear for people if they think this looks good in the future.

Fangirls: *in the crowd* TEAM PEETA!

KAT: I hate all of these people.

PEETA: Hey, they could be nice.

KAT: NO! THEY'RE ALL EVIL!

**Make over**

KAT: The pain of getting my legs waxed hurts and the burning facials are like torture.

ROBIN: If you're ever captured in war, you're in for a surprise…oh wait, that happens to someone.

CINNA: Hi, I'm your stylist, this is my first year and I actually know how to make this freak show style look good. I'm probably the only one in this entire system that will ever understand you for some unexplained reason. That being said, we are going to set you on fire.

KAT: …O_o

ROBIN: …hahahahahahaha…oh, he's serious?

**At the chariots**

KAT: Everyone looks so awesome (extremely detailed description of other tribute costumes later) It's our turn. Cinna says it's not real fire and we'll be fine.

CIN: hold hands when you get there.

PEET: Great idea! *Stupid grin*

KAT: Ugh! Physical contact with people

*The chariots ride off and the capes are lit on fire*

ROBIN: Cinna, how'd you get the fire to be realistic? It's not like CGI works in real time and usually fire is controlled not faked.

CIN: Oh, it's real, but if I told them that they'd ruin the show by being paranoid.

KAT: AH! It's burning! My hair's on fire!

PEET: We're gonna die!

ROBIN: That worked out nicely.

**At training**

KAT: Okay, the only tributes you're going to hear about at all is Cato, Clove, Glimmer, the red-headed sly girl I named fox-face.

ROBIN: Nail on the head right there.

KAT: the big black guy named Thresh and the little girl Rue. Everyone else is going to die before I can care. I'm not even going to mention one or two more people to throw you off.

ROBIN: Thank you for that not-so-hidden spoiler.

**At the try-outs**

KAT: Hey, Capital dudes! Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me! Pay attention to meee!

Capital Dudes: oh look a pig!

KAT: Stupid pig *shoots arrow and people fall over.* Oh shit. I'm in trouble. *makes quick getaway*

**At the apartment listening to the scores**

KAT: I'm gonna get a low number! I'm gonna get a low number! I'm gonna get a low number! I'm gonna get a low number!

ROBIN: Let me guess…

GAME MAKER: Katniss Everdeen gets an 11. The highest out of all the tributes!

ROBIN: I get it. Now Katniss is gonna freak out because that makes her a target. Awesome.

KAT: This is great! They must have loved me! (later opinion confirmed by movie)

ROBIN: Well that idea of mine was shot out of the water.

**At interview**

KAT: The interview is where you have to get people to like you but I hate the capital and I'm bitter and rude.

ROBIN: is this the part where I say "No you're not. You're beautiful and charming in your own way"?

KAT: DU! I hate on myself more than I do on my poverty half the time.

ROBIN: Well that was a nice dose of angst.

CAESAR: All these kids are gonna die, but let's get to know them first!

CROWD: YAY!

CAESAR: We loved that intro at the chariots when you were on fire. Was that real?

KAT: SCREW YOU CAPITAL!

CROWD: le gasp!

KAT: uh…I mean look my dress makes pretty flames. *twirl twirl twirl*

CROWD: we love you!

CAESAR: it was brave that you sacrificed yourself for your sister now bye bye.

PEETA: Hey Caesar, smell me.

Fangirls: We love you Peeta!

KAT: Peeta always knew how to make the crowd laugh. He's a funny guy.

ROBIN: So it's confirmed that Gales way hotter. But, Peeta has the personality.

CAESAR: I don't think I asked any of the other tributes this, but do you have a girl back home?

PEETA: No, just Katniss over there.

CROWD: le gasp!

ROBIN: Of course it's the one guy that has a crush on Katniss. That's kind of cute though. Let's see how Katniss took it…

KAT: Emotions *twitch* Emotions? NO! NO! NO! I hate relationships! I avoid them for the entire series! *twitch* This must be a plot. He's just acting. He's just acting. He's just acting.

ROBIN: let me guess…

***cut to the end***

PEETA: I really do like you for real.

* * *

**Okay that's the end of part one. The three parts of the book are this thing's model so peace out!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I have returned thanks to spark notes, my obsessed neighbor, the original abridgers of ye olden times and my finding of my copy of this book after losing it under the fridge. I thank everyone who reviewed. I'll get the cold water ready for the flames. For those of you that forgot, I am Robin. Fangirls are fan-girls, and everyone else is themselves.**

**Back to poking fun and mocking the Hunger Games! Get it? Mocking? Still…no one? Okay -_- **

**Walking into the hotel sweet when returning from TV**

KAT: *shoves Peeta into vase* You bastard! You made me look like a female!

EFF: THAT WAS FINE CHINA!

HAY: That was the point stupid! We need some romantic interest or we won't get as many fangirls to buy this book!

FANGIRLS: Yep, that's pretty-much all we read this thing for.

KAT: -_- sorry.

PEETA: Yeah, it's perfectly alright that you ABUSED ME FOR CONFESSING MY FEELINGS!

**To the rooftop garden**

PEETA: I'm here to state the entire theme of this book: rebellion. In case you couldn't figure it out already from all of Katniss's amazingly analytical inner thoughts.

KAT: Great, can we go now?

PEETA: …Please love me.

KAT: What?

PEETA: Nothing

**To the underground waiting area**

CIN: Remember what Haymitch said. Don't go near the Capricornia and RUN!

Katniss goes up the familiar tube-like elevator …Chell goes down the same elevator to complete another portal puzzle.

**To the field with 60 seconds on the clock**

ROBIN: Yes! Game time starting! Grab the popcorn and 3-D glasses this is going to be fun! TURN ON THE TV!

FANGIRLS: You're sick.

KAT: Gold Capricornia! Must stay away! Must stay away! Must-hey a bow!

ROBIN: *looking at movie version* damn, what is that thing? Modern art? It sucks! It's not even gold! You can do all that other CGI effect stuff but you can't make the stupid thing gold?

KAT: I'm getting that bow! Must be Robin Hood! *glances at Peeta*

Timer: counts to zero and game starts.

KAT: Dammit! Peeta! That distracter. I'll get a backpack instead!

Other Boy we know will die: MINE!

KAT: MINE!

CLOVE: *Throws knife* MINE!

KAT: *running with backpack* Can't die! Still a virgin! Can't die! Still a virgin! Can't die! Still a virgin!

CAMERA MAN: *having a seizure* must…keep…shooting…

ANNOUNCERS: Welp, it looks like it's Cato with an air attack and there goes District 6 boy with a close line by El Districo Ocho. Down he goes! Dead. The child is dead! Haha-what a sport!

KAT: So alone so isolated. Want water! HAYMITCH GIVE ME WATER! Haymitch? Ya there buddy? *hours later* He must be doing this because he knows I'm close to water.

**BACK AT THE TV ROOM**

HAY: Okay…guys! I came up with a new drinking game!

EFF: Shouldn't you be helping Kat-

HAY: So every time one of the District 1-4 kids smirks evilly, you take a sip. Every time someone could have killed someone else, but was talking, keep drinking until they're done. Every time there's a convenient moment, pass over the drink. Every time Katniss reveals what'll happen with her thoughts, finish the shot. Every time we have a moment of clarity and realize how barbaric this is, finish the jug!

**BACK AT THE RANDOM FOREST**

KAT: Must sleep in tree. I'll be safe in the trees. I'll be safe in the trees. I'll be safe in the trees.

**NEXT DAY**

KAT: FIRE! FIRE! AND I'M STRAPPED TO THIS TREE!

ROBIN: What do ya know? *Takes a shot*

FIREBALLS FREAKIN EVERYWHERE!

Aang: *runs past Katniss* Sorry, gotta escape the fire nation!

KAT: Can't die! There's a sequel! Can't die! There's a sequel! Can't die! Must be in sequel!

*hit with fireball in the leg*

KAT: Must keep running! *Jumps into lake of water*

ROBIN: *passes over drink*

EVIL TRIBUTE KIDS: HEY! There's one of the kids we want to kill very painfully and brutally because it's fun! YAY!

KAT: Can't die! Need love triangle! Can't die! Need love triangle! *Climbs up tree with burned to hell leg, malnourished, and only just getting water a day ago*

ROBIN: *Passes over glass*

CATO: Hey! There she is! I'll climb! *Falls*

CLOVE: You fat ass.

*Everyone proves to be too fat to climb the tree except Katniss."

ROBIN: *Passes over glass*

CATO: Can you shoot her with the arrow?

GLIM: *shoots but has no aim* I trained all my life with deadly weapons, but I never once learned how to shoot a bow! I just never thought I'd need it.

ROBIN:*Passes over glass*

PEETA: We should wait her out.

KAT: Peeta's a traitor! Peeta's a traitor! Peeta's a traitor!

ROBIN: I'm going to have to wait a little bit for this one…

FANGIRLS: It's okay, Katniss. This means team Gale wins, right?

OTHER FANGIRLS: NO! KATPEE FOREVER!

FANGIRLS: Really? Because your other pairing name is PEN-

ROBIN: Both of you shut up!

CATO: Clove, how about you throw your knives since those apparently have the same amazing range and accuracy as a bow?

CLOVE: Nah... Too much effort.

ROBIN: *Passes over glass*

CATO: Okay, let's build a fire and camp her out. Katniss is here, so we should kill her now instead of looking for other tributes and Glimmer, you keep watch while we build a fire.

CLOVE: You think we should burn down the tree too? Ya, know, just burn it at the roots and then run back after she's on fire. It's not like she can get down very fast with that injured leg. A fire would probably kill her.

CATO: Nah…too much effort. Come on, let's go get the firewood.

ROBIN: -_- *Passes over glass*

KAT: I need healing medicine for my leg!

*Parachute comes down with insta-cure medicine*

ANNOUNCERS VOICE: Side effects may include, itching, sneezing, loyalty to the Capitol, and third degree burns.

**NEXT DAY**

KAT: Hey, look. Everyone fell asleep and no one's watching me while my leg is almost fully functional again with only mild pain that'll hardly be relevant now. Oh look, it's that little girl Rue jumping through the trees here to give me guidance on how to get out of this mess! I still trust no one...

ROBIN: *Shoves glass over*

FANGIRLS: …Why is she black? I thought she was supposed to look like Prim!

ROBIN: *Face palm* She was always black in the books. Rue reminded Katniss of Prim. Not look-alike. They were- Really? This matters? The only thing I can think of, that is added with this fact, is another offensive black stereotype for her to be working in agriculture and to be jumping through the trees like a-

RUE: Hey, look! *Points at incredibly loud Tracker Jacker Nest*

ANNOUNCERS: For those of you morons who haven't read the books: Tracker Jackers are walking joints that can kill.

ROBIN: And that is today's anti-drug lesson, children. *Passes over drink*

KAT: I have a knife! I shall chop it down! *Saws down with no evil members watching*

TRACKER JACKERS: Kill all below ground.

GLIMMER: *DEAD*

CATO: SCATTER!

KAT: YAY! *pries bow off Glimmer's dead body* I FINALLY GET A BOW! MINE! *Stung twice* I can make it! I can get out of here! I can get out! No one will help me if I collapse here! I'll be a sitting target! No one will help! No one will help! *Passes out and has epic hallucinations about bad things in Katniss's life that make us feel sad for having the money to afford this book*

FUTURE SCIENTISTS: We're just that good at cross-breeding.

KAT: Hey, I'm alive, and cured, and there's Rue. She shall be my bestest ally who can inform me on what has occurred in these last few days and we can make a plan together to destroy the evil 1,2,4 district members! Only 1,2,4 are especially evil. Everyone else is kind of just there in the dark matter of space over there behind the CGI until they become relevant to the plot again.

ROBIN: I don't get it. If Rue wasn't stung, shouldn't she have been able to slit all their throats and gotten away with it? Or even Fox-Face who is just running around the woods always able to find them when she needs food, or the other nameless members. What are they doing since the technology people are obviously driving them together and that point they could have all been quietly-

FANGIRLS: We swear to God, if you keep on ridiculing this book we will destroy you! There's a lesson of morality and everyone not wanting to kill, or maybe they weren't even there. Now, take your shot and shut up.

ROBIN: *Drinks a shot*

RUE: The higher districts all piled up their food in a big pyramid to keep it safe by the lake. I love butterflies and singing and birds.

KAT: Hey, how about we just destroy all of their food, ya know?

RUE: I'd like that. I also like puppies and sunshine and candy.

KAT: They trained to kill, but they have no idea how to hunt or gather or anything about survival even though it's stated that's a critical part of winning. This is the Hunger Games, after all.

ROBIN: Hahaha clever pun on the books words... *Passes over drink*

RUE: Ya! What can possibly go wrong?

KAT and RUE: *filler bonding moments as they make the plan and we get attached to the adorableness that is Rue*

RUE: You're like a sister to me Katniss :D

ROBIN: They're trying to set me up to cry, aren't they? Not gonna work!

**TO THE CAMP!  
**KAT: Rue will whistle to me and the mockingjays (who somehow got in past the force field) will echo her call if she's okay! If she's not…well…we didn't really plan for that-but still! Brilliant plan! Oh look there's the pyramid! And, Prim's fire has made all but one guy leave. I can't shoot him now.

ROBIN: *mimicking voice* Even though I have perfect sniper-like aim on him with my nose-scope gun-I mean bow-and it'd cause less trouble and I could get the arrow back so that they wouldn't know my talent and-

FANGIRLS: Stop speaking through the character!

FOX-FACE: *runs in* *shimmy* *acrobatic flips* *salsa* *Hop-Scotch* *Steals food and runs past guard boy* I'm part ninja and you know it…

KAT: Oh! That guy is from the mechanical and engineering district, obliviously, because he grew up there, he must be knowledgeable about how to dig up mines and re-wire them with limited tools and managed to surround the pyramid with them as a guard! All they'd have to do is follow that complex life-threatening dance Fox-face just did! Okay!

ROBIN: *face palm* how…just how

**FLASHBACK!  
**CATO: Okay, guy's I got the best plan ever! What if we piled all of our food and supplies that we so direly need in a pyramid so that we won't lose it in the Capricornia.

NAMELESS DISTRICT BOY: not a bad idea.

CATO: Then, we surround it with bombs and explosives with no way to shut it off, and we'll set up camp right next to it so that anyone who's groggy in the morning will have to play hop-scotch to get their food. Just plant them all in there and we'll figure out how to get to it later.

NAMELESS DISTRICT BOY: Um...Cato, are you sure? What if one of you guys accidentally steps on it or something or-

CATO: DON'T QUESTION ME, MORTAL!

**FLASHBACK END.**

ROBIN: Were they at least smart enough to keep the explosives far enough away from the supplies that one explosion wouldn't destroy the entire thing?

KAT: *Fires arrow with sniper-bow and bag of apples that were hanging out fall*

ROBIN: You all disserve to die. I'm rooting for the ninja-fox now. *pushes over glass*

*Epic Explosion of AWESOMENESS!*

KAT: *Blown backwards*

WOLVERINE: *Walks away epically from explosion in slow motion with sunglasses*

FANBOYS: And this is why we're here

KAT: YAY! We won! Rue's going to be fine! She'll be fine! We're going to be okay! We're going to-

ROBIN: Let me guess.

KAT: The birds, they signal distress of sorts!

RUE: *in net trap* HELP!  
RANDOM BOY: *Sparta spear throw*

KAT: *Headshot: 200 points*

RUE: *Pulls out spear* it's only a flesh wound...*dies*

ROBIN: *Takes shot* I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna cry… I'm not…and Katniss is singing to the dying little girl…now she's making her a grave…not gonna...damn

KAT: *Despair, angst, sadness, all-time-low depression*

OMINOUS VOICE: Hey! Guess what, guys? Now you and your buddy from the same district are both going to be the victors. This is not a lie at all. You can both get out of here. Yes, we are breaking tradition even though it's not the Quarter Quell. Not a lie.

KAT: PEETTTAAAAAAA!

FANGIRLS: AND SO TEAM PETA MEMBERS ARE THE VICTORS OF THE 74th annual-

OTHER FANGIRLS: THE SERIES ISN'T OVER YET! TEAM GATNISS!

KAT: Don't I get a say in this?

ALL FANGIRLS: *points at * HELL NO!

**Okay, so I'm tipsy and Fangirls are in combat of bloody proportions much worse than Twilight. Yep, normal day for us. So, did we make your week day any better? Or am I going to have to sit in the corner now? I'll get the "DUNCE" hat...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay. One more part to go…**

ROBIN: *wakes up in district 11 trashed* Ugh…what happened?

FANGIRLS: Well, after Rue died, everyone that was participating in the drinking game here finished a jug, since it was their first time playing the drinking game, they decided it'd be a good idea to trash the place in Rue's name because every other time they were too sober to make a big deal out of it, but finally after 75 years of 24 children being killed, they finally were drunk enough to realize they could do something. And now a rebellion has unofficially started because of your drinking game

ROBIN: That explains so much…and that was a run-on sentence

FANGIRLS: HEY!

ROBIN: BACK TO THE PEOPLE YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT!

RECAP: Basically everyone's dead

ANNOUNCER: Hello! So, because some of you (Katniss) may be grieving (Katniss) over your losses and not sure what to do, we have decided to allow two people (Katniss) from the same district to win together…breaking tradition for no apparent reason. This is not directed at any one group (Katniss) in particular. Even though, there is only one pairing left (Katniss). This is not a trick!

KAT: It's so not a trick. We can both go home. It's not a trick.

ROBIN: *fills up shot glass and waits*

KAT: Maybe I can find Peeta if I go back to the evil careers!

CATO: Yeah, we cut Peeta and left him to die. Didn't finish him off ourselves even though we made sure of it with another girl earlier. But, Peeta can slide!

CLOVE: Don't you think you're being a little to open with information?

CATO: OF COURSE NOT!

ROBIN: *passes over drink*

KAT: I shall track Peeta with my epic tracking skills even though I have no clue where to start other than the fact that he'll be near water.

**ANNOUNCER: TWO HOURS LATER:**

KAT: Hey look! Blood! It must be Peeta's! Hm…I can't find Peeta anywhere.

PEET: HOLLY SHIT YOU STEPPED ON MY-

FANGIRLS: Team KATPEE!

PEET: Revealed with camo paint all over his face looking exactly like a rock.

ROBIN: Wait…how did he get paint-

FANGIRLS: WHY ARE YOU QUESTIONING THE LOGIC OF THIS BEAUTIFUL PAIRING MOMENT?

ROBIN: Oh…female demographic…*passes over glass*

PEET: I'm useless now that I'm hurt.

KAT: You were useless before that.

PEET: Hey, I joined the careers to save you!

ROBIN: *Looks at dusty shot* That took a while. *Takes shot*

KAT: What? You were hunting me down.

PEET: No. It'd help you because…um…I think there was a plan in there.

KAT: You would have slit their throats in their sleep?

PEET: YEAH!  
KAT: *Face palm* Then why didn't you do that earlier?!

PEET: Because we need to do role reversal nurse-doctor routine to form a strong bond and appeal to a larger audience. *points at fangirls*

FANGIRLS: YAY! TEAM KATPEE!

KAT: *Face palm* I hate you, general public…Okay, strip.

PEET: Does this mean we're a couple now?

KAT: -_- I hate playing nurse.

ANNOUNCER: And look at this adorable moment with Katniss stripping down Peeta to clean off his wound.

THREE HOURS LATER

ANNOUNCER: And now they've found an isolated cave far away from any of the other tributes were Katniss will take care of Peeta lovingly without any interruption.

KAT: I can't believe I'm stuck doing this. ALL FOR AN ACT! PEETA is STILL ACTING!

PEET: Katniss loves me! Katniss loves me…I wonder if I'll get laid

KAT: You're getting a fever and will probably die of an infection soon.

PEET: Hey, remember that one time I got you bread? And the first time you volunteered to sing a song and you were in that dress and I followed you home but you didn't see me while I stalked you. I waited out your window all day because I thought we had a special connection. You know, the way you stared blankly past me-

KAT: Maybe if I kiss him he'll shut up. *Kiss*

PEET: Can you have my babies now?

KAT: *face palm* Oh god. I can't believe that we are straying from the plot line for this.

FANGIRLS: *Pooling money together* Come on! How much money do you have? We have to send them something!

HAY: Nice doin' business with you girls. *To manager* One bottle of vodka please and whatever's left for the tributes…give 'em something cheap.

KAT: There's a disturbance in the force! *goes outside*

PARACHUTE: BEEP BEEP! ALL TRIBUTES! NOTICE ME! CALLING ALL TRIBUTES!

KAT: YAY! Free gift! Oh a note!

NOTE: You call that a kiss?

KAT: Oh. Okay. So, this means that whenever I do a fake romance bit with Peeta, we get stuff we want.

ROBIN: *about to take shot* Oh-wait…that was actually right! My world is crumbling!

KARMA: That's for making a parody of this amazing book series, Robin!

KAT: Look, I got soup.

PEET: I can't move, can you feed me.

KAT:…I have to share…be in contact with another person? *twitch*

PEET: Can I confess my love for you!

KAT THOUGHTS: Maybe if I pretend to be asleep he'll leave me alone. *leans against wall*

PEET: *Wriggles over and puts KAT under his arm* We're cuddling.

KAT: …I want to die…What's Gale doing now?

FANGIRLS: *Selling clothes* TEAM GATNISS! We'll get you home!

KAT THOUGHTS: *Twitch* So if a kiss gets me soup…a heart to heart and sleeping next to him gets me a gourmet meal…does that mean to get the medicine Peeta needs I'm going to have to have se-

OTHER FANGIRLS: *Mortgaging houses* TEAM KATPEE!

ANNOUNCER: I'm here to get you back on topic! WE HAVE STUFF (medicine) FOR ALL THE REMAINING MEMBERS (Katniss) BACK AT THE MIDDLE OF THIS PLACE. THIS IS BY NO MEANS A TRAP.

KAT: I gotta go get that medicine to save Peeta because I'm a STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN….who has somehow managed to not get her period this month.

PEET: Don't go, you'll die.

KAT: Yeah, but if you die it's on me and everyone will hate me. So, it's either get the medicine from there or have…that's not even an option. I don't like people.

PEET: No…stay.

KAT: Okay… *hits Peeta in the back of the head with a rock* Sweet dreams.

**At the Capricornia:**

KAT: Okay, I see my bag. I got this!

Fox-face: *grab's bag and runs* NINJA SKILLS!

KAT: I should have done that. Okay time to go! *sprints*

CLOVE: I learned a thing or two from Orphan! *tosses knife that hit's Kat's head and tackles*

KAT: Get off of me.

CLOVE: *Holds knife to throat* So, Katniss-

ROBIN: *Starts drinking full bottle with a straw*

CLOVE: It's such a shame that you're here all alone, with no one around, completely isolated. There's no one to save you, not a soul, just me to kill you. I'm going to kill you, with this knife, right here, in my hand, the sharp one. I'm going to laugh, just like the time that I laughed when we killed the Rue kid even though that guy died before he could report back to us and she could have died from natural causes for all I know and anyway, we killed Rue. Ya know? The little girl, Rue. We killed her.

THRASH: *grabs and kills clove*

ROBIN: *gasps for air* I thought I'd never stop drinking. Oh and *passes over glass*

THRASH: You kill, Rue?

KAT: No, I didn't.

THRASH: DID YOU KILL?

ROBIN: Holy…when did Kunta Kinte get into this story? *smart person joke*

FANGIRLS: You're going to hell for that joke.

KAT: No.

THRASH: I let you go, 12, for Rue.

ROBIN: *passes glass*

**Back to the Cave:**

KAT: Hey, Peeta, I got you your medicine.

PEET: Can we have babies now?

KAT: -_- I hate my life.

**Forest, nature, plot device bs. Time to go food hunting.**

KAT: Peeta, go pick some berries.

PEET: K bye.

**ANNOUNCER: TWO HOURS LATER:**

KAT: *sees deadly berries called nightlock berries* PEETA YOU FOREST CHALLENGED IDIOT! WHY COULDN'T YOU BE HOT AND TOTALLY GREAT AT FOREST STUFF LIKE SOMEONE ELSE I KNOW!

ROBIN: *Nerd alert* What? Are berries copywrited? (Nightshade...)

PEET: Why are you yelling?

KAT: DID YOU EAT ANY OF THOSE BERRIES?

PEET: No.

KAT: *hugs* thoughts: ugh..human contact

FANGIRLS: TEAM KATPEE!

PEET: hey look! Fox-face ate the berries and is dead.

KAT: Didn't she score high on that plant identification test, and hasn't she been living in the woods half foraging half stealing all this time?

ROBIN: *passes glass*

KAT: well, there's no more plot to be done here Let's take these berries in case we need to poison someone. (EPIC FORESHADOWING) Let's go to the Capricornia.

PEET: Hey, look, dogs.

KAT: OMG, climb on top of the Capricornia.

*they climb*

KAT: They look just like wolves, but they're standing on two legs.

ROBIN: so…werewolves?

KAT: and they have the same eyes and hair as the dead tributes! They are the dead tributes in wolf form.

ROBIN: Zombie werewolves? *looks at movie version...bull dogs on steroids* fine -_-

CATO: *grab's Peeta's head* Katniss, don't do anything or I'll snap his neck. I know you're going to kill me anyway, but I can still kill one more person before I die.

ROBIN: *starts drinking from the straw again*

CATO: I can bring honor to my district. I can kill him. One more kill. You can kill me, but I'll get him.

KAT: Of course, all along he's been jealous of me. He's always wanted to kill me.

CATO: I'm gonna kill him now.

KAT: Yeah…no. *fires arrow that only pierces through Cato's hand and doesn't go through to get stuck in Peeta or Cato's shoulder at all, letting Peeta slip out while Cato falls to his death to be devoured by dogs...not killed by Katniss

ROBIN: *Drops straw and gasps for air* Oh great, I've got to do this too. *passes over glass*

CATO: Someone help me please. These dogs are devouring my flesh and I'd like to die now.

PEET: You should kill him, it's merciful now so the main character is allowed to do it.

ROBIN: *passes over glass*

KAT: yes! I win! Get me out of here now!

PEET: YES! I can now have children with Katniss!

KAT: o-0 it doesn't matter. We can both leave now.

ROBIN: let me guess…

ANNOUNCER: Okay…um, we lied to you. So…kill each other, please.

Robin: *looking at movie* there is no reason that they have to kill each other. *reads book* Oh, Peeta is badly injured and needs medical attention…Movie, you're allowed to cut a lot of things, but that detail is not one of them!

KAT: Okay, let's commit a double suicide because they need to have a victor and if we die they lose.

PEET: Okay.

*Both eat*

KAT: I'm losing my nerve. I'm losing my nerve.

ANNOUNCER: Wait! THE FANGIRLS HAVE US AT GUNPOINT! Spit out the berries, you win!

PEET: Yay, now we can be together foreevvvveeerrr.

KAT: You know what? Just kill me.

ROBIN: That, children, is what we call a cop-out. *passes over glass* REWIND!

*both eat*

KAT: I'm losing my nerve. I don't want to die! *spits out berries and Peeta dies* I'm sorry, I had to, I'm sorry.

ANNOUNCER: KATNISS IS THE VICTOR!

ROBIN: REWIND!

*both eat*

KAT: I'm losing my nerve. I'm losing my nerve. It's okay. I'm ready to die because I'm an angst-filled character.

*both die*

ANNOUNCER: Katniss was the last person to have his or her pulse die. Katniss Everdeen is victor of the Hunger Games and we shall now parade around a corpse to show you that there is no way to escape death by the government!

ROBIN: -_- okay then...

FANGIRLS: WHAT? That's a terrible ending.

ROBIN: It's better than Mockingjay.

FANGIRLS: -_- You know what? We'd like to see how you'd do in this thing.

ROBIN: With all these stupid people? I'd win in a day.

**To the Hunger Games: Robin edition.**

ROBIN: AHHH! Come on man! I don't want to die! I don't want to die! Ah! Fire! My hair is on fire! Ah! I'm in pain! I am feeling pain! I hurt! I hurt! AHHHH! Who the hell shoots an arrow to my knee? Why the knee?

FANGIRLS: TEAM KATPEE!

**Robin: so, that was ten minutes of your life well wasted. Hope you liked. If not, say so. This is the internet! If so, say so too. Yeah…I'll wait for the flames.**


End file.
